Tomb Raider Is Back and I'm Not Sure I Care

From my understanding this is a pretty frequent site in the new movie. Dirty clothes and a hastily made bo staff

Like any prepubescent boy who owned a PlayStation, I did my best to catch a glimpse of video game smoke show Lara Croft. For those of you unfamiliar with the Tomb Raider series, Croft is a millionaire "tomb raider" who fills her ridiculous mansion with historical artifacts. If this sounds like something you've heard of its because it's a female version of Indiana Jones. With out the plane crashes and pleadings to have their iconic character killed off.

Yet, the best part about the first game weren't the ridiculously terrible camera controls, odd shooting mechanics, but the mystical rumors surrounding a cheat code (back when cheat codes were the norm and not a sin) that got Lara naked and your Starter shorts on the floor.

Nothing better than a nice pair of isosceles triangles, am I right fellas?

As it turned out the code never existed. There were enterprising individuals who modded the game so you could see a naked video game character, but that seemed like a long way to go for something you could've found in your dad's closet.

Still, yhat didn't stop video game developers from creating an exaggerated feminine figure of Lara Croft. Not that is really all that surprising since it was a generation desperate for pixelated nudity. Eventually, they reeled in the over the top chest and made her more "life-like" but threw a little dirt on her. As you can see from the image below (thank you Eidos, Ubisoft et al...) They gradually toned down the over the top

On your left you can see the cup size shrink until you have the someone on the right who isn't Angelina Jolie, but somehow dirtier.

In 2001, director Simon West saw a chance to cash in on a film about a globetrotting Jolie doppelganger. She looked the part too. The bad ass daughter of Jon Voight with the opportunity of a lifetime to throw her hat into the franchise ring. God, they tried to make it work they really did. They put her in sexy outfits:

Well, 1990's sexy outfits. Yoga pants hadn't evolved yet.

As seems to be the case with most of these types of films it wasn't Jolie's fault the writing was tragic. Action cliches that worked for 80's action stars, but fell flat on their collective faces when spewed forth from Jolie. They had a sequel, but it's not really worth mentioning. Just watch it on TBS some night after a few beers. You'll forget its on.

In the interim they made a few games that people tell me are good. I'll take their word for it. Not because I don't want to play Tomb Raider, but because I barely have time to play any games I truly have a desire to play. I'll just read reviews online and settle with that.

The franchise is taking another crack at a movie. This time it doesn't star Jolie, but an unknown (at least to me) actor named, Alicia Vikander. Early reviews of the film praise her efforts for trying to lift a terrible script. If that sounds familiar it is. That's the same hurdles Jolie tried to jump through.

Forbes says "Alicia Vikander's Lara Croft deserves a better movie..."

If that doesn't tell you everything you need to know then good luck with your terrible reading comprehension skills.

Images from Ubisoft, Eidos, MGM, Warner Bros, Initial Entertainment Group

10 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All