Without a Doubt, Putin Sucks at Hockey

He looks the part that's for sure. He's got the equipment down although I'm skeptical about the Russian brand stick, but nevertheless he looks like a hockey player. But much like that guy from work who plays in a C level beer league, he might look the part, but he plays like garbage. That guy might be the best damn Excel wizard in the cube farm, but when you put him in skates and shove him out onto the ice he becomes a Grade A turdcicle.

If you've played the game long enough you know the look when that SOB rolls into the locker room. A part of you is happy for them. They decided they enjoyed hockey enough to decide to pick it up, but when they are on your line you secretly wish for a high ankle sprain. The problem is that he is moving to slow to ever possibly get hurt.

This is exactly how Vladimir Putin plays the game. He saves face by surrounding himself with former NHLers like Pavel Bure, but he sucks just the same and yet somehow he managed to score five (my ass) goals in the self titled "Legends of Hockey" game that feature the great shirtless Soviet himself.

I invite you to watch and I defy you to rebut me:

Yeah he sucks and while I'm aware that he's 65, but I defy you to tell me that an actual 65 year old who played the sport wouldn't be world's better.

Is there anything more defining of a dictator that "dominates" a sport they have no business dominating? Kim Jong Il was unstoppable at golf, Idi Ami of Uganda was a dunk factory on the court and it was rumored Hitler's driving skills rivaled Jeff Gordon's. Okay maybe the crushing of free speech, clandestine murders or the seemingly endless "terms" are more defining, but it is certainly a major component of having a simultaneous sociopath-esque love and hate for your own people.

If this video from The Comeback doesn't breakdown his awesome suckage for you then you are either a huge Putin fan or don't know jack shit about sports (not just hockey, but sports):

Oh for fuck's sake.

I'm not an expert at all sports, but I'm confident that this bullshit doesn't pass the eye test. He should stick to rigging elections and buying up Facebook ads. Those are things I have no knowledge of. Hell he could be the Earth based god of equestrians.

I think I'm actually more impressed with the mare with the hair than the gentle slop of his man tits.

Each year Putin puts on this exhibition game and the arena is packed. I think it's fair to assume he is giving out free vodka and turnips for anyone who wants to waste a few hours watching their leader embarrass himself and his opponents with his horseshit.

If I was the Capitals I'd be checking for sarin anytime these two don't get their gold.

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